For all of you anxiously awaiting Ann Coulter’s sit-down with Matt and Mer to promote her new book, Guilty, the blond bombshell of the GOP will not be kickin’ it with Al on the “Today” show after all. NBC canned the segment after near-suffocation from an avalanche of liberal scorn prompting the comment, “I guess this ends the ‘they just want to get ratings’ argument about liberal media bias,” following an announcement of the cancellation on her website. Fear not, real America; CBS’s “Early Show” picked her up for Tuesday morning. Phew!

…getting dressed requires a tube of Vaseline and skinny jeans. If playing “Spot the High Price Call Girl” has lost its edge and the definition of a “hipster” eludes you, check out Robert Lanham’s Hipster Handbook and have a grand time spotting the cooler than cool folks around Brooklyn or whatever soon-to-be-gentrified neighborhood in your city. And, if you fret about ending up with a hipster label, a couple more clues from the book that say you may have crossed the hipster line: “You have one Republican friend whom you always describe as being your one Republican friend” or “You have kissed someone of the same gender and often bring this up in casual conversation.”

A judge in New Zealand has ordered a loin cloth-sporting hobo to put on some skivvies following an obscene exposure trial stemming from the free-balling man’s frequent flashing. How is it that a court can demand a homeless person don some underwear, but Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan can flash their coochie everywhere from Venice to Vancouver without so much as a slap on the wrist?

For the investor who has everything, it may be time to look into some mule-sized Depends stock as Cairo decides to clean up its streets by cracking down on donkey dung. Yes, it’s a sad day for those who get a cheap thrill from a little donkey back but for an area experiencing increased tourism, the local government has decided foreigners will have to be satisfied with markets, pyramids and other attractions. Locals have been assured that low cost diapers are available.

When the emergency calls are coming in every seven seconds, you know things have gotten a little out of hand, and that’s exactly what London dispatchers were thinking about the out-of-control festivities that plagued the isle from sea to shining sea — of booze — Wednesday night. In one incident, a young boy had to be rushed to the hospital using the family car when the ambulance was looted and vandalized beyond recognition while parked outside his house. Freezing temps did nothing to dissuade revelers from going over the top or into the gutter, and authorities are pondering how to get the message across that ending up in the hospital isn’t the way to start the new year. So here’s to 2009, folks, and a speedy recovery.

Stressing about those pounds packed on during the holidays? Well, don’t waste a resolution if you’ve wandered out of the single-digit sizes, ladies, since a new survey out of Britain reveals that the happiest females are sporting a size 14 (an American 10 or 12, depending on the source). Stars like Kate Winslet have been known to flaunt their healthy curves and deride Hollywood’s penchant for twiggy leading ladies. Size 12’s came in second, followed by size 8’s and 16’s. So take a little pride in your cleavage this New Year’s and flaunt that junk in the trunk!

Customers at a condom store in Germany walk out with more than rubbers and S&M gear as the raunchy retailer uses crotch-handled shopping bags for purchases. Nothing says “I just came out of seedy sex shop” quite like gripping a thigh-high clad woman’s crotch while strolling down the street.

What a crappy way to go: a 23-year-old man from Indiana drowned in a manure lagoon after losing control of the machinery he was operating. Authorities say Nicholas Cruz died when his skid loader plummeted into the poop pond while he cleaned out a cattle lot at Sunny Park Dairy.

Looking to make your feces more festive and have an extra 400 or so bucks laying around? Check out the Gold Pill created by Tobias Wong and Ju$t Another Rich Kid. The glitter-filled capsule supposedly “increases your self-worth” and has the added bonus of making poop sparkle. The Gold Pill retails for $425, but why not just eat some $2 Christmas tree tinsel for the same effect?

Why risk telling your sister what you really think of her scumbag baby daddy after a few too many mugs of rum-laced apple cider when you can celebrate aired grievances in an open-minded (well, not always) environment? Gather ’round the silver pole (note to horn-balls: not a stripper pole) and celebrate the holiday for the rest of us–Festivus! The kooky winter holiday has enjoyed growing popularity since first debuting on Seinfeld in 1997, with Festivus pole sales steadily increasing at Milwaukee’s Wagner Cos. and Google search hits hovering around 1.4 million results. Remember to don plastic raincoats for the Feats of Strength or risk getting covered in regurgitated Festivus dinner goodies.

Attention gold diggers: PayPal co-founder Peter Thiel and his $1.3 billion net worth have landed on CNN-IBN’s list of the most eligible, filthy rich bachelors. The “Rich and Available” list highlights men with enough money to make up for their physical shortcomings or, in Thiel’s case, his political leanings.

Google has turned into that painfully unhip aunt that buys Catholic magazine subscriptions and bedazzled knick-knacks for everyone at Christmas. The internet giant decided to forgo the usual year-end cash bonuses in favor of stuffing staffer’s stockings with the HTC G1 Android phone, causing employees to monotonically exclaim “oh, super.”

Well, the Taliban attack was not so much a purposeful attempt to ruin the Christmas celebration, but the British military may rethink transporting their turkeys with munitions in the future. Plans for the special Christmas meal had been in the making since summer and was set to serve up a tasty Christmas meal for about 5,000 UK troops stationed in Afghanistan. Rather than risking the lives of Santa and the reindeer in the unstable conditions now prevalent in the area, the RAF flew in emergency rations.

Photograph of the year? Yawn. Mug shots of the year? Yay! The Smoking Gun sifted through thousands of booking photos to find the 20 most disturbing, giggle-worthy and downright bizarre mug shots of 2008. From celebrities like weirdo extraordinaire Andy Dick to hot tranny messes to tattooed hillbillies, the collection of pics culminates with a crew of “change” agents.

Looking for a place to store your money that will make all your dollar bills ooze with the smell of meat? Well, if a burger smell a la Burger King’s body spray doesn’t suit your meat-loving fancy and you want something with more of dried, salty aroma, consider a beef jerky Chanel handbag. Fair warning though, toting money that reeks like jerky could prove irresistible and you may find yourself licking dimes and gnawing on Lincolns. Mmm!

An apple farmer from Fuji, Japan decided to show off his devotion to Steve Jobs and co. by creating Apple Apples. The orchard owner used custom printed iPod and Apple logo stickers to create the geeky fruit. No word if the apples taste hipper than the Microsoft oranges created by neighbors.

Here’s a product sure to make vegetarians barf and cause hungry pooches to lick unsuspecting folks head to toe: Burger King has introduced a new men’s body spray dubbed Flame, that the fast food company describes as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.” Basically the $4 hamburger fragrance smells like hungover frat boys or that creepy scuzzbag that works the late shift drive-through. The beefy spray’s website will make visitors feel like they have landed smack dab in the middle of a porn shoot at a suburban Sybaris, but with a sexy feller like the King hocking it, a little stink-eyed glance from co-workers while perusing the site is certainly worth it to smell and feel burger-riffic.

Zoo keepers at the Chessington Zoo in Surrey, England have issued an apology to visitors of the gorilla enclosure after a meal of sprouts sparked an outbreak of primate flatulence. The smell produced from the farting gorillas reportedly had zoo visitors collectively saying “whoever smelt it dealt it.” To which zoo keepers replied, “whoever said the rhyme committed the crime.” The gorillas remained mum in the corner, giggling and blushing.

Baseball cards? Ok. Jesus Cheese? Ok. Used soul? Not so fast. eBay has banned a man from offering up his soul to the highest bidder, claiming the listing violates one of the auction site’s policies. Dante Knoxx (great porn name, by the way) listed his downtrodden spirit at about $40,000, but hadn’t garnered anything more than interest from religious groups and creepy folks before eBay removed the item.

A “Rock of Love: Charm School” reunion show taping got all Jerry Springer when Sharon Osbourne attacked Megan Hauserman, the leggy blonde infamous for her win on “Beauty and the Geek” and mentally-handicapped Chihuahua. No word if the poor pooch went flying further than Hauserman’s weave, but witnesses say Mrs. Ozzy threw down after the reality show villian insulted the Osbourne clan. Hauserman ended up in the hospital (although, she probably just went to pick up rich doctors) and pressed charges against the f-bomb loving Brit. The LAPD has yet to make any arrests in the case.

What could be more fun than running over pedestrians or killing people virtually? Perhaps selling make-believe drugs on your street corner and making sure you’re giving and getting the best deal in the neighborhood! The game “Underworld” — once known as “Drug Lord” but changed to skim under the radar of company censors — has become the target of the mother of a heroin addict who doesn’t think it’s just about fun and games: “My daughter’s life has been ruined by drugs. If this game is allowed to come out, impressionable kids will play it and Amy’s mistake will be repeated over and over again. Youngsters like Amy are exactly the people who download and play games like this on their mobiles. I just want to help other families avoid the nightmare that’s wrecked mine.” But this is all about improving their eye-hand coordination, right? Or is it a primer for the young entrepreneur? Does it come with some kind of nifty mechanism to show the suburban kids what fun it is to have your family and friends gunned down on that corner? Just wondering.

Potty humor triumphed this week as Apple relented and has now agreed to sell the “Pull My Finger” app after previously rejecting the app, citing “limited utility.” Yep, it’s pretty much what you would think, fart sounds from your Apple gadget to embarrass friends and make 3rd graders giggle. Think of it as the Whoopee Cushion 2.0.

Don’t jabber on with a mouth filled with food. Don’t slurp soup like a thirsty pooch. Oh, and for Fail Whale’s sake, if someone follows you on Twitter, follow them back. Hmm, is it really that cut and dry? Twitter’s move towards the mainstream has more people wondering about basic etiquette on the microblogging service and while we all know to zip it while chomping down on grub, no one can quite pin down the acceptable set of tweeting manners. Take Kevin Rose for example; the Digg founder boasts over 78,000 followers, but he only bothers to follow 121 lucky Twitterers. So, does that make Rose a snob or just confused about the “follow” button? In contrast, Jason Calacanis has a Twitter following of 44,000 and follows over 51,000. In theory that would make Calacanis less of a snob, but more of a follower whore, so who’s right? Is there some sort of Twitter etiquette manual floating around the Bay Area that can clear up the confusion?

One thing that can be said of these young vandals is that they came prepared. A Minnesota man sought to wreak a strangely apropos form of revenge on a group of teenagers who repeatedly toilet-papered his house using night-vision goggles and a squirt gun full of fox pee, although all he got for this gem was a misdemeanor assault charge among others. What this writer is wondering is: a) Where did he get the fox pee?, and b) Would charges have been filed had he used a real gun? This guy should get a gold star for creativity.

A trio of Kentucky Fried Chicken employees decided to take a dip in the sink used to clean dishes at the fast food chain–think chicken chunks floating in dishwasher soap bubbles–and post pictures of the little bath time frolic on MySpace. The snapshots included pics of the workers posing in their skivvies next to the giant sink under captions like “haha KFC showers!” and “haha we turned on the jets.” Needless to say, the pictures had the girls fired faster than they could say “is that a piece of bubble-covered popcorn chicken stuck in between my toes?”